TheChaudList

It’s late night and shit gets real. All this healthy eating you’ve been trying to stick to all day suddenly exits the building, only to have the cookie monster craving come at you like a pimp when his ho hasn’t had any clients all day. What can we say, shit happens, but this little gem might help and it’s definitely lower in calories than Snickers icecream. Just take organic raspberries, rinse them off and stuff with either a white or dark chocolate chip! Pretty damn easy.

(Source: colourfulpalate.com)

Snack…snack…..snack….SNACK!!! WTF is a snack? According to skinny bitches it’s a handful of almonds, a palmful of baby carrots or one hard boiled egg. Fuuuuuck, that’s some miserable shit man. I don’t know if i’m just a disgusting pig, but those “snacks” don’t do a damn thing but make me want more snacks! REAL snacks. Like a paper lined bowl full of chicken wangs, tres carne asada tacos con salsa or a pack of crispy bacon (yes just the bacon). I could snack all fucking day and not say boo, but i’ve gotta stay fit if I hope to make someone miserable someday, er, I mean get married, so six small meals a day it is. But what happens when it’s late, your watching love and hip hop on your iPad and there she blows, the CRAVING for dessert. Something sickeningly sweet and unhealthy. Dammit! “Have some self control” my conscious says “it’ll be worth it”. My subconscious jumps in like a ho at a strip club when Lil’ Wayne shows up “self control?! Bitch you got Haagen Dazs in freezer yo!! EAT THAT SHIT!!” and as much as I want to say “no Chaud, just have a banana like the monkey you is” I give in to the sweet, creamy, and emotionally supportive devil cream. So I needed something that was substantial enough to fill my late night craving but not super terrible for you, and after searching my tight little ASS off and trying many different options, the one that did the job was Pamela’s Whenever Bars in Oat Raisin Walnut Spice. These aren’t like most healthy packaged snacks where the portion is the size of a starburst, it’s actually decent enough to do some damage to the sweet tooth and their gluten free! Find them in your local natural foods market or check em’ out here  

Good lord that show is a hot mess. Yes, if they invited me on I would do it but that’s just the point. Who the fuck am I? Do you see Beyonce doing that shit?! It’s always someone like Brad Pitt’s cousins sisters friends daughter housekeeper’s son. You know,”the other Pitt”. Fine, there’s a few recognizable peeps on there but when Nancy Grace had the nip slip I was out. I feel bad for the poor dancers who are given a “celebrity” who dances like the tinman in desparate need of some CLR, and all they can do is snake around them in a horrifying last attempt to pretty up the lump of coal they’ve been handed that season. “Oil!!” screams the PA, “fuck it” whispers the other PA. Of course most of the time “America” votes for who they feel the most bad for and not the best dancer. “Awww look, she fell 60,000 times!! Let’s call in and vote Marge!” Lets just say i’ve personally noticed if your a sexy bitch, Marge tells the bingo club NOT to vote for you…then they tell the rotary club and they tell the knitting club and next thing you know you have to work ten times as hard as Buzz Aldrin just to stay in the fucking competition! Fuck that yo! WTH happened to beauty before brains, age, life experience and everything else?! WTF is this country coming to? The “stars” do go through some intense training though. Some unnecessarily so, because let’s be honest…dancing’s just not for them. Picture a 2x4. Now picture a 2x4 with a stupid face drawn on it and two weeks of salsa training. That’s who the bridge club is voting for and they run shit in reality TV vote land. That is until the producers step in to stop the madness, fake like america voted for the hot bitch who already knew how to dance, all the while enraging the silver sneakers club even more so they double their voting troops next season in a feeble attempt to crown at least one person from the 90+ category whose only good dance always ends up being the Waltz. So if your thinking about trying out for DWTS and believe me you definitely qualify, your’re going to need some mad energy to keep up with all those hot dancers. I would suggest Sambazon’s organic energy drink Amazon Energy, (basically the organic version of Redbull) it works wonders. I tried it yesterday and it gave me a nice kick. I could also see mixing this with with a little organic vodka for the perfect feel good cocktail. Samba-smash anyone? I know it’s an amazing name. Now I just need to come up with a recipe…

So I was in Trader Joes scoping out the yogurt section and something came at me like Ronnie on Jersey Shore when he’s had a tad too much jungle juice. TJ’s Fat free greek yogurt in HONEY flavor!!! Can I tell you that this is a Must try. The honey flavor in this is amazing. Try topping it off with some almonds and walnuts (I use the little emerald 100 calorie packs) or some fresh berries or both! Quick and easy breakfast and oh so fist pumping good. Come at me bro!!

You KNOW the lollipop guild is pissed! How these organic ho’s gonna come up in a mug and start making pops without giving the guild they cut? Everybody pays taxes on the block son! Wow, sounds like a sticky situation. Sticky yes, but none the less delicious! Mmmm lollipops, the perfect breakfast, lunch and dinner. Six small meals a day you say? Lollipops WOULD seem like the perfect solution, and then as if to crush my dreams all at once, I heard sugar makes you fat. Normally I would say “so what!” However lately I’ve been trying to clean up my act, and these organic lollipops are the perfect second step in my sugar rehab process. You see, the first step is admitting you have a problem. Ok here goes “I Chaud am addicted to lollipops.” There I said it. Now the second step is eating organic lollipops instead of whatever the hell other lollipops you’ve been eating. Wow this rehab thing just keeps getting better and better and is so helping to further my journey on the path to health, wellness, love and light (yea right). So once again I was trolling around WholeFoods and there it was,

a hot bitch in a bright orange dress screaming “5 dolla’ make you holla!” Mmmmmm. Yummy Earth Organic Hot Chili Pops

in Chili Lime Lambada and Chili Mango Mambo flavors. It’s almost like Jesus felt bad for me that day and led me toward these pops as some kind of divine gesture of kindness. Me being so enlightened, I recognize these messages from above (and of course I couldn’t say no to Jesus) so I bought them. Shockingly, they sat on my table for a few days until one night I had the craving et Voila! The pops were there to smack my bitch up. “You’s a good friend pops. You’s a damn good friend!” The first flavor I tried was the Chili Mango Mambo and it was amaze-balls, the perfect blend of tart and spicy as was the Chili Lime Lambada. Now If you’re “weak-sauce” and don’t like spicy things, stop reading now and click the red x on your browser (i’m kidding). Look, if you don’t like spicy, don’t worry about it. These pops are extremely mild and at 70 calories for three pops and 100% organic ingredients? You best git you some!

I discovered it at my local Wholefoods in the produce section. “Why the produce section?” (you ask sooooo sarcastically), because thats where lucifer was handing out samples of this (as I like to call it) nectar of the gods. “Would you like to try some Eppa SuperFruit Sangria?” she says with a crack dealer-ish smile. Is a frogs ass water tight? I immediately fire off my questions like an AK47 in heat (not that I know what an AK47 is but whatever).

“So you’re telling me I can I get trashed and wake up healthier the next day?”  

I continue “can I down a whole bottle of SuperFruit Sangria and have my body thanking me for it later?” she giggles ”I wish!” she says and proceeds to crack up (I suspect she’s sneaking a few of those samples cups on the down low). Can’t say I blame her, a bitch gotta do what she gotta do to make it through the work day and ain’t nothin’ going on but that rent. I mean day drinking dosen’t seem to be an issue in Europe and i’ve always related more to the European life style anyway. Oh dear, i’ve gotten my self all off track again. Wait for it….wait for it…..aaaaand I’m back. All in all I must say YA’LL (channeling Britney Spears) EPPA SuperFruit certainly makes me feel better about the whole “getting wasted” thing. It is soooo good. Like For reals, it’s like the best tasting sangria you’ve ever had without all the work. I mean hell, chop up some fruit and throw it in if you want but it’s completely fine as is. Eppa is made not only with organic mendocino cabernet and syrah but to top it off they add in organic mediterranean blood orange, blueberry, acai, and pomegranate. Oh but wait….there’s more! It’s only 120 calories per glass and has nearly twice the antioxidants of red wine, so drink up bitches! Hell, bring a bottle to the bar and tell the bartender to keep it on ice! I’m so happy that getting trashed is ok now, aren’t you? Eppa SuperFruit Sangria is 1st on thechaudlist. Wow….what an honor for EPPA!! ;-) Find a store that sells it near you here